She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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