I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
