I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
