if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
this hospital has no fireball
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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