I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
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