don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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