I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
