Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
