The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
