I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
