I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
