Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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