I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
