He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
