i permit you to call me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
