I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
