She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
