theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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