Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
