i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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