i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
