I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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