This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
