She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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