the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
