I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
