Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
