dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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