It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
