I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
