I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
