Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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