I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
