I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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