I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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