Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
