just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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