How'd it feel making her break her religion?
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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