OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
