I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
