cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
he fucked my hip out of place.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Randomize
