I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
