These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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