One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
