Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
