Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize
