So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
