So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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