I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
