Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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